Day two of this is just a little easier. Not because I’m spilling my guts – but because I know that some woman somewhere has read this and realized that she doesn’t have to be silent. That she can talk to someone – even if they don’t understand because what’s done is done. I realize too though that there are women currently trying to make the decision on having an abortion, or those that will in the future. I’m not sure that this will help in your decision making – not even sure that I want it to. We all have to make decisions based on the knowledge we have at the time, our current believe system, and where we are in life. That’s all we have to go on really. So be sure to know my intent is not for guilt or even for forgiveness – it is purely to share what I experienced.
They called me from the waiting room into the “intake” area. They asked me questions about my health, gave me some literature about the procedure and had me watch a video of how the procedure worked. They gave us the option of pain medicine for the procedure but it cost extra so most of us opted out. The we waited again. When it was my turn I hear my name and I went. I laid down on the bed with stirrups – nothing different than that of a gynecologist’s and they did an ultrasound. They told me they had to be sure of where the fetus was for a successful procedure. I made the “mistake” of looking at the ultrasound. I saw this little dot – a small heartbeat of life – and for a moment I smiled at how precious it was. I then realized that I had to look away because I wasn’t there to enjoy this so I didn’t back out nor did they ask if I was sure. The pain of the abortion was the worst pain I had ever felt. They used a “vacuum” type instrument to perform the procedure and I remember coming up off the table. It only lasted a few seconds I guess and it was done. The nurse was very kind and walked me to the post-surgical room. All of the ladies – except the one that never spoke – was back there with me.
The one that made her decision quickly and painlessly – walked out painlessly. I was in some pain – but not like I thought I would be. But the woman who so desperately didn’t want this – was crying in pain. She had waited until the very last minute – so her baby had grown larger. She didn’t get the pain meds either so she was in a ridiculous amount pain – emotionally and physically. I sat with her, held her hand, and told her she was going to be ok and she made the best choice she could. I walked with her to the bathroom and helped her sit down. She had large clots and I called the nurse over to check her. The nurse starting taking care of her and looked at me and said – “You should do this for a living.” I didn’t realize at the time that she meant helping others – I just thought she wanted me to be an abortion nurse – and it pissed me off a little. So I went back and sat down. The nurse told me I was ok to leave. I went out and told my friends I was just really hungry. We went and ate – and I really didn’t feel anything. I didn’t think about what I had just done or been through – it was lodged into the back of my brain to deal with later. It was six months before the emotions started.
Now I will tell you – the nurses and doctors there were very kind and respectful. There was no push/pull in any direction. I used to be angry that they didn’t tell me that in a few months I may have some psychological scarring. I realize though that they may have – I just wasn’t listening. It wasn’t their job to track every emotion or lack of that I may have – it was there job to be sure that I did it safely and could write about it later if I wish. I had to take full responsibility for what I did and felt – period. It was then that I started healing.
Tomorrow will be the final piece to this story and hopefully a beginning for others…