February 5, 2013

Eating My Frog – Part III

So my friend and I – we’ll call him Bill – were sitting and watching television in the front room of my parents’ house.  It was the episode of Friendz where Phoebe was having twins…and it was hilarious!!  Bill – whom was truly and still is one of my best friends – was just getting a kick out of me laughing hysterically.  He didn’t realize thought that my laughing had turned to sobbing in about three seconds.  They sounded a bit the same.  When he did realize he quickly was asking me what was wrong – I couldn’t speak.  It was the first time in six months I had thought about it – really thought about it…

Seeing those babies being born – as funny as it was – made me realize what I had “gotten rid of”.  Every emotion that had been held back by the dam of my mind suddenly and painfully flooded in.  I wanted to go to jail – I had killed my baby (the pro-choice group just made new protest signs).  Bill just held me – he didn’t know what to say – how could he?  I cried and cried until my face hurt and my eyes burned.  I started thinking about all the other faces that day and I sobbed more.  Every lingering piece of regret, pain, guilt was pushing its way to the surface – scratching at my soul and bleeding my heart out.  It was then though – that I started the long road to recognition and forgiveness.

Over the next several years around the time of my abortion I would become depressed – at first not realizing why but then knowing my body hadn’t forgotten.  That has faded now.  I went through all the decisions I could have made, all the reasons I may have had, what the baby would have looked like, hoping I wouldn’t be punished later by God for this decision.  I’ve hidden it and I have revealed it.  But the one thing that I had to finally accept is that I couldn’t change it – not one piece of it.  I’m not even sure that if I could go back that I would even change my mind (this is where the pro-life people should really get upset).   You see this is where I am now.  I have a wonderful husband, wonderful children, a purpose in my life.  This has shaped me.  And to be honest – if I was the person I am now – none of it would have ever happened – but because it happened is WHY I am who I am now.

We cannot change the past nor can we dictate the future.  We can make decisions along the way and lay claim to each of them as our responsibility.  If you ask me if I think that abortion is “right” I will say no.  I think that it is a life – I know it is.  I saw the heartbeat and I have felt the soul of each of my children.  If you ask me if I think it should be illegal – I’ll say absolutely not.  We don’t need young women going to “butchers” because they have no other choice.  We can’t force others into the “right” decision regardless of what we think it is.  I think protesting these women is a horrible thing to do – what are they protesting?  Are they going to adopt the baby?  Are they going to give her financial and emotional support if she decides to keep it?  Probably not.  They would better serve as people that women can come to to talk with regardless of their decision and get help and support.  I would give more education about the process, what you may go through and offer an array of support for these women – if they need it – and its okay if they don’t.

I do not applaud nor do I celebrate abortion – it is here.  I happen to regret mine in many ways and have had to deal with it.  I learned so much that day about the human heart, different reasons for doing the same thing, and about myself and for that I am grateful.  I hope that anyone struggling with this will talk with someone – get help – forgive yourself and help others to do the same.  And if you don’t ever want to have to make the decision – never have sex.  That’s the only sure way.

Remember…you are not alone…

Here are several post-abortion counseling sites I found that may help anyone that has had an abortion and is still struggling with it…

Hope After Abortion


Pregnant Help Online

If you are considering abortion there are also many agencies available to help you make the right decision for you…Planned Parenthood has many of these options available.


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1 comment

  • amanda

    Thank you for sharing your story, I know it really touched my heart and hit very close to home.

    Reply to amanda

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