February 3, 2013

Eating my Frog – Part One

There is a GREAT book called “Eat That Frog!: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time” by Brian Tracy (it’s only $9 on Amazon and worth the read).  The book is geared toward time management but once you read it, it can be applied to life management.  The premise is that if you do the absolute worst thing you have to do all day first – then everything else won’t seem so bad.  I would have to say eating a frog would definitely be the worst thing I could do – so yeah…everything else would be awesome compared to that!  So as I tried to decide what to write about next – I chose the subject that is the absolute hardest for me to talk about and share with the world.  It was something I left off my “life list” in my introduction – because for me – it is the pinnacle of guilt in my life and took the longest for me to forgive myself for it.  My Abortion.

I am going to make Pro-Life and Pro-Choice mad – just mad.  Each will think for a moment that I am “on their side” then I’m going to slam each of them with the reality that my side is the one I decided on between myself and God and from learning and experiencing so much during this episode of my life and the women I learned from on that very day.  I’m not going to share everything up until that period – for this it doesn’t really matter yet.  I just know that there are so many women out there that keep this a secret before anything else in their life.  They would rather tell the world they had been a prostitute than tell someone they had an abortion.  So if they are struggling with the action they took – they struggle alone.  No more.

My life had been out of control for a while – this was all post breakdown and lots of “boyfriends.”  I had just started working at a great company but was still really struggling with my mental health issues so I was also still partying quite a bit at night.  I had met this guy – we’ll call him John – through my friend at the time.  He was tall, polite, lots of fun, etc etc.  We dated for just a little while until he started trying to tell me what to wear and “owning” me.  I had already decided at this point I wasn’t going to see him anymore – besides his idea of a great time was sitting around smoking weed – a lot of weed and then smoke some more weed.  I have no ill opinion of anyone that smokes weed – but when something takes your life over – and keeps you from living – then it sucks.  This could be television, food, drugs, or popcorn – doesn’t matter.  But I digress…

I went to see him one last night – gave him what I considered a “going away” present.  Now here is where everyone would like an “excuse” as to why we had unprotected sex.  I don’t have one – I made a really stupid mistake – period.  I knew almost immediately that I was pregnant – it was instinct.  He told me I was just paranoid.  He was an idiot.

Three weeks later I missed my period.  I was sitting next to the person whom I didn’t know was going to be my best friend for the rest of my life when I made the call to the doctor.  We were at work – she was wearing a dress like she did everyday (this will be significant in later stories) and was just supportive.   I found out I was pregnant.  My daughter at the time was only 4 years old, my head was still a cloud of crazy, I was living with my parents and the “baby daddy” was, as it turns out, one of the biggest jerks I had dated.  I cried for three days trying to figure out what I was going to do.  The day I decided – I stopped crying.  I stopped all emotion.  It was decided.

I made the appointment and I had two really great friends who agreed to go with me and support me.  The days before the actual abortion I wouldn’t drink or smoke because I was pregnant.  If  this doesn’t tell you how screwed up in the head I was at the time then you need to re-read this again and again until you do.  The day I went in was surreal.  I and my friends went to the clinic in Charlotte.  I happily didn’t see any protesters telling me I was going to hell – no need to confirm what I was already thinking.  We went into the waiting room and sat there with several other women – women that would touch my life forever…

I have to go back to when I was 17 and pregnant with my first daughter Lydia.  We were all having a heated debate about abortion in class.  I was very against abortion – I let everyone know that.  In my opinion any woman that could have an abortion was a horrible person – they didn’t realize the gift they had inside of them.  I wouldn’t budge on it – because I just knew how right I was.  Because of my steadfastness a friend of mine was afraid to tell me that she had an abortion – and had to do it alone.  That is something I will regret forever.

Flash forward to the waiting room.  One girl there was telling us that when she found out she was pregnant she did made the appointment immediately.  She told her boyfriend that she would take care of it – no problem.  Another girl there was with her “significant other” I assume.  She never spoke.  She was so beautiful – fair skin, tall, healthy, with black hair that hung in her face because she never lifted her head.  He was reading magazine unaware of her detachment.  It seemed that he didn’t really care and that she was there against her better judgement.  I’ll never know.  Another was there because her life was at risk.  With her first daughter, that was now 7 years old, she had developed antibodies to RH positive blood (for more info on this check out this link).  So with her second pregnancy her body had rejected her baby.  They did blood transfusions for the baby in utero – she gave birth to a still born child – half dead herself .  From then she had made sure that she had very strong birth control with an appointment to have her tubes tied – but it failed.  She was then 4 months pregnant and her doctor told her that if she tried to carry the child – they both would die.  She was grief stricken.  Her husband was there holding her hand.  She waited until the very last week she could do the abortion hoping for a miracle.  I told her she had to be there for her daughter and she was making the best decision she could.  As she cried I felt so low for my “reasons” for my abortion.  I was still numb though…but not numb enough.

Come back tomorrow for Part II…and remember you are not alone…

me bb

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