It starts really small…just a thought even. Then without even realizing it gets bigger and bigger. You keep just pushing along making it larger and larger but what you don’t realize is the huge, steep hill just below you. Everything is so white, so big, these little pushes can’t amount to anything – but then it drops and the snowball is accumulating more speed, more snow and debris and becomes huge, almost unstoppable. You are left at the top of the hill screaming for everyone to get out of the way and for the snowball to just stop before it crushes everything in its path…everything that you love…every piece of who you are.
That for me is the easiest and most precise description of a “break down”. Yes there is that “trigger” that may set the whole thing in motion…but I promise..there were little steps to get there…little flakes of “crazy” that were at the time easy to ignore. Once it all hits that final hill, and no one is there to slow it down…it rolls down faster and faster getting crazier and crazier.
You see life choices, DNA, environment all played into my breakdown. Yes, my family has a STRONG history of mental illness – but the choices I was making – i.e. the bad ones…didn’t help. I didn’t have a healthy way to communicate pain, disappointment, sadness. I bottled it up…then drank the bottle. No I wasn’t an alcoholic – that would be way to easy to explain away. I was just miserable and lonely. Then add some major hormonal changes and BAM! Off to the races of hating myself and being too afraid of what was happening to get help. I was afraid to be around my daughter – the one person in my life that I loved unconditionally. Then instead of making better choices…I did everything I could to run away from it. Hoping that if I did something daring enough that I could “shock” it away.
I didn’t talk about what was really in my head. It was terrifying. Thoughts that I didn’t want – they weren’t mine. So on the outside it just looked like I was shirking my responsibilities as a mother and “partying”. I can’t blame them…that is what I was doing, but only because I was scared and wanted to protect my little girl from me…or whatever was happening to me. You see I didn’t realize it was a severe form of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) or that Zoloft would make it stop. Nope…just kept wishing the snowball would melt. They take a REALLY long time to melt…so what you need is something to stop it in its tracks and bust it open.
So before you judge someone just realize that there may be things they are going through that you don’t know. Does it make it right that I wasn’t there for her like I needed to be for that 2 years? No. But I have asked for her forgiveness and explained it to her. I have fought to get better and have fought to help others do the same. I can’t get back those years…but damn it…I will do everything possible to make sure that every year that I have matter. And I am so blessed that my baby girl and I have the best relationship that a mother could ever wish for. Just keep in mind…I had to FIGHT for it. I love you Lydia!
Be Strong. Be Beautiful.
Lydia, Me, Chris, Nina and Anna